After the serious but needed piece by Ali I thought I would give people the chance to post some funnies! We all get hundreds of mail a day and most of it crap, (apart from work and that's even worse!) But occasionally we get a gem of a joke that you just have to pass on safe in the knowledge that it is going to put a smile on some miserable sods face!
Got this one today and it made me chuckle I can tell you so here goes
Real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me!
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow!..............................why else would I buy dog food?
Who's next....... Get posting those funnies RIGHT NOW!
10 comments:
A Mum was sitting with her 5 year old son.
The son said 'Mummy are my brains in my testicles?'
Mummy replied 'Not yet son but they will be!'
This is a true story.
I was observing the City Council meeting with my 12 year old daughter. Peter Kent-Baguley presented a suggested amendment to Terry Follows' original sack serco motion. It was decided to adjourn for 10 mins so people could read through the amendment.
My daughter hadn't met the word adjourn before so she asked me what it meant. I of course explained it meant there would be a bit of a break so people could read the suggestion and have time to decide what they thought of it.
Then she said:
"Ah... I understand, they need a break so Mayor Meredith can tell them how they've got to vote..."
On second thoughts is that really funny.
Nicky, Out of the mouths of babes and all that!
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who freakin' gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.
I went to the Doctors and said:
Doctor, I have only 59 seconds to live!
He said: Wait a minute!
Just after the last election, I went to him and cried.
I said: Doctor-I'm Labour and no-one votes for me. Can you help?
He said: Here's a prescription for 400 tablets, take them all after a meal. I vote BNP.
Gary
When, like me you've had a bad day you consider:
The value of a drink!
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame, then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
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'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
A woman complained to Winston Churchill that he was drunk!
Churchill replied: Madam, you are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober!
This is not sexist it's just funny!
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms:
01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue, where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad, as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Here's one that had me doubled up in fits of giggles:
I just happened to be reading, as you do, a document from the government's Department for Children, Schools and Families entitled 'Changing School Category to Foundation'.
In the definition of terms section, which you would've hoped had been there to help explain things, there is this:
"Trust Schools are foundation schools with foundations. Trusts are the foundations of such schools."
... so, we're all totally clear on that now are we?
Paul Daniel asks the audience if any of them know a trick. A man in the front row puts his hand up, and is duly selected by Mr Daniels to come up onto the stage.
"Let's see your trick then." says Paul.
Without further ado, this man bends Debbie Mcgee over a table and mounts her from behind.
"Hold on, hold on, that's not a trick!" cried Paul
"No," says the man, " it's
f*****g magic!"
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