Monday, 13 October 2008

NOW THAT'S A JOKE, THAT!! 2


Come on you set of miserable sods, it's Monday and it's five o'clock and it's joke time.............
This came to me today be email and in light of what's happening in the banking sector I thought this put a light hearted twist on things!

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in the US and the instability of banks in the UK trouble has now spread to hit financial institutions in Japan.
Over the past seven days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly-up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is likely to go for a song, whilst today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks. Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a serious hit, but remains in the black.
But there is bad news for Karate Bank, where 500 staff have been given the chop.
And analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff and customers may get a raw deal

Now it's your turn let's get them funnies out there! Now that the legend that is Warren has joined us we might just get a few!...............................

10 comments:

ian norris said...

Pinched from another BLOG

---------------------------------
THE government is to invest £500bn of your money in British banks so that they can lend it back to you with interest.

The historic move is being hailed as a lifeline for the financial system as long as nobody asks too many questions.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Corbett and Barker, said: "The government will give your money to the banks so the banks can start lending you that money, probably at around 7% APR.

"Thanks to all the interest you're paying on your own money, the banks will make billions of pounds again and normality will be restored.

"After a few years of this the government will cash in the bank shares it bought with your money and use the profits to build a huge dome somewhere down south."

He added: "In case you hadn't already worked it out - the entire global financial system is predicated on the assumption that you're an idiot."

Chancellor Alistair Darling said the decision had been taken in tandem with the banking industry, adding: "They used a lot of dirty words I'd never heard before and one of them had an angry looking dog."

Meanwhile, Emma Bradford, a sales manager from Bath, said: "Why doesn't the government just give my money to me so I can buy stuff from businesses who will then make a profit and put it in a bank?"

But Mr Darling insisted: "Shut up."

---------------------------------

Apparently the Nigerian government has warned its citizens that if they
get any e-mails from Irish/UK/US banks, promising government-backed
deposit security and seeking bank account details, its a scam...

---------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between Tesco and Iceland?

A. Iceland doesn't do cashback.

warren said...

You want a Joke then do you... Duglas Barder wheels himself into a pub, landlard says dont sirve him, he's legless now.

warren said...

A young redneck cople are on the first night of there honeymoon. As he enters the bedroom with a 12 pack of Budwisher and a Mac Roadkill he finds her liying on the bed 'Please Buba, take care, I'm still a virgin.'
Buba panics at this and runs to the famley home to confide in his Father.
' Buba, it'll be ok son' his father tells him, 'If she wasn't good enough for her own kinfolk, she an't good enough for ours.'

warren said...

And fanaly for now...

What do you call a chav in a sute
The Accused.

What do you call a chav with 9 GCSEs
A Liar.

Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins
Society.

What do chavs use as protection during sex
A Bus Shelter.

I thank you, If offended,dont read anymore of the jokes I post, they could get a lot worse.

Tony said...

Wozza,
Keep 'em coming son!

warren said...

What do you call a Russian with only one nut.
Iver Bollockoff

What do you call a Russian with three nuts
Whoyanickedya Bollockoff

brooneyes said...

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his wife off the wall?


He wanted to see her crack!

warren said...

A burglar bracks into a house, as he enters the liveing room he hears someone say 'Jesus is watching you.' Thinking it is his imagination he starts to loot the place. As he is just about to lift the kids games consel he hears the words ' Jesus is watching you.'He turns his torch on and sees a parrot in the far corner of the room.
'Have you just said that' the burglar asks the parrot.
'Yes' the parrot says.
'Whats your name'says the burglar
'Moses'says the parrot.
'What sort of people call there bloody parrot Moses.' the burglar says.
And the parrot says 'The sort of people who call there Pit Bull Jesus.'

Tony said...

These are some of my favourite funnies and many of them feature in Jasper Carrot's stand up routine, Insurance Claim Form Statements, you can not beat these, enjoy.....

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early."

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof."

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travel by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.) (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

"A house hit my car." (A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend's car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.

warren said...

How do you get 200 Jews in the back of a Mini.
Tell them you lost a fiver in there.

How do you get 200 Jews looking for a fiver out of the back of a Mini.
Tell them Hitlers driveing.

Now, that a littel un pc, is'nt it.